During the year following the Boston bombing, I became ill, very ill, with symptoms that for a long time made no sense, either to the doctors and specialists I sought out, or to me. By 2015, I was overcome by severe insomnia, debilitating muscle spasms and struggled with the every day to do’s of family and business. In my search for health I started researching, diving into resources and all opportunities for healing. By the beginning of 2018, however, things had shifted. And in the moment we lost our beloved Shadow I learned just how much.
You see, my middle son loves animals. As an incredibly sensitive child, he found them comforting, easy and relatable. So in 2015, after he had gone through a few months of anxiety and depression, we decided to surprise him with a dog of his own. Shadow came into his life and became his always companion.
In June of 2018, our family went camping, and it was hot. On Saturday afternoon, the boys were all away from the campsite and I was meditating when Shadow wanted to go for a walk. (It was kind of his thing, he loved walks) About halfway through I noticed that he was panting, but he always did that, it just meant it was time to head back. On our returns, he would run up ahead, find some shade, lay down, and wait for me to come before heading to the next shade tree. This time, though, seemed a little bit different. The closer we got to the camper, it looked like his back legs were giving out and this had me worried.
We slowed and I sat with him in the shade for a while and eventually his strength returned enough so that we could make our way back to the campsite. When we got there, he crawled under the camper into the shade and rested. I got him some water, and I could see, checking in on him, that occasionally his panting slowed and he looked up at me smiling. Thinking he was okay, I walked away and had a conversation with a fellow camper. The next time I looked up, I saw a dear friend standing over him and instantly knew by the look on his face, Shadow had passed away.
You can imagine the guilt. I instantly felt as though I were to blame, as though I had killed him. “If only I didn’t go for the walk. It was too hot, I should’ve known” were just a few of the thoughts that came in with a force. You know how your brain goes in all different directions when something like this happens. Well, it happens to me, too. When we found the boys, I didn’t know how to tell them, I couldn’t speak, I was overcome. This would devastate them, especially my middle guy.
Somehow, I had to process this, so I got into the bath to meditate. I wanted to ask questions, but only one came: “What the hell was that?” Even though the question seemed kind of lame and desperate, I started to receive information – it was like a full conversation, I was getting truth. The answers came, short and close together. “He chose that time. He loved his walks, that was his good-bye. He didn’t want you there, he knew you would try to save him. He didn’t want the boys near. He had an enlarged heart and it had all started yesterday.” I was immediately taken to memories of the day before where the signs were clear but unknown in the moment.
After clearing the trauma, seeing new perspectives and healing the pain, I felt so much better. I had answers. I knew the truth and released myself of the responsibility. Shortly after I went into the bedroom, got into bed, and this is where the magic happened.
My middle son crawled in bed with me and said, “Mom, I wanted to be mad at you all day today. I wanted to be mad but you didn’t do anything wrong.” I sat listening and after a few moments he followed it with this. “I think it actually started yesterday.” That got my attention, because it was part of the information I’d just been given minutes before. “Mom, yesterday, I think he was trying to tell me good-bye. He just licked and licked on me and he never did that. Then when I went to bed he didn’t jump up like he always did, so I helped him into bed and he buried his head under my pillow”. Right then I realized then that my son received the same healing that I received during my meditation, and he’d gotten it almost instantly.
This is a child who could have held onto this for months, maybe years, and he was healed in two days. By Monday he had processed what he needed to and decided that he was ready for another dog. It was beautiful.
We had experienced not only a healing, but a generational healing. There is a kind of power in our ability to reach for and make use of the energy that heals, both as individuals and as families. We are all connected and through that energy we have the ability to transcend time and to heal.
